Turn and Turn Again

Time Passes

I feel life's first turn within, like a heartbeat in the wrong place. Baby flutters in womb. And I think I understand something of love.

This heartbeat gathers force, grows, some nights kicks me in the ribs. I smile and touch what I imagine to be an elbow, heel. Before I know it, months pass; she comes, a warm bundle and I wonder, "How could they let me take her home? Don't they realize I'm not wise, not strong?"

Still, she is mine. I hold her close. Suckling bleeds me, cracks skin. I cry. Say, "I can't do it anymore." But I do, somehow, day by day.

These days stretch into months, then years, and it always comes 'round again. Pain, pleasure, thinking I know something of love, wondering who thought I could ever be wise or strong enough to love these babies, girls, young ladies...

The years unroll. Light, dark, confusion, understanding. A gathering of annunciations.

I'm supposing Mary, with her sweet Jesus, felt the same.


For a chance to win a copy of Scot McKnight's The Real Mary, leave a comment here.

Roses 'n Pitcher photo, by L.L. Barkat.

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Blogger Sarah said...

I feel this way about mine and she's not even born yet. It's nice to know I'm not crazy ;)

11:26 AM  
Blogger Laura said...


Why don't I come over here more often?

This is so good.

7:47 PM  
Blogger Maureen said...

Beautiful post!

9:50 PM  
Blogger Claire said...

the desire to be a mother is becoming strong within this heart and mind and being.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Joelle said...

You are Mary, I think. Archetypal. Your mothering mothers the world. And because of your cradling, suckling, diaper-changing, nurturing we know the Mother.

9:12 PM  
Blogger deb said...

Oh I felt this inside me L.L.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Fred Sprinkle said...

very beautiful and moving, great attention to little details. "heartbeat in the wrong place" is great. As a man I will never never experience that, but those words make me feel it.

8:35 PM  

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