Editing My Leadership

"Don't worry, it's going to be okay," I typed.

I read it over, suddenly remembering Henry Cloud's warnings against invalidating people's feelings.

[delete, delete, delete]

"I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated. It must be hard," I typed instead. Then I shared how sometimes I've been frustrated too, especially because of my own frailties and shortcomings. Ensuing conversations focused on what might be done to ease things, in time.

Did it help? I'm not sure. Cloud says that, in addition to being good listeners (validaters), we need to have a balance of...

1. strength
2. "likeness" to others (willingness to say, "I struggle with this too")
3. warmth
4. imperfection that copes

It sounds so simple on paper. Listen, don't invalidate. Be strong, yet vulnerable. Be authentic and imperfect, yet cope and be a person of effective solutions. Don't use force (even verbal force) as a means to change situations; just be competent.

All of this seems to require a lot of trust that things really WILL be okay if we strike the right kind of balance in our interactions. We just need to sit with the discomfort of not having immediately fixed others or ourselves. Which sounds, to me, like a kind of... faith.


Hands photo by L.L. Barkat.


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Can I Do You a Favor?

Can I Do You a Favor?

Once again my kids were crying over their math. I didn't feel much sympathy, though I'm not so keen on math myself. Just do it, was my frustrated answer.

But I've always felt that when kids get to this point, fussing and crying, they're not being rebellious. They're telling us something important. So I had to step back and admit the truth: if they could just do it, they probably wouldn't be crying.

So I did my kids a favor. I hired a math tutor.

In Chapter 5 of Henry Cloud's book Integrity: the Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality, he discusses how we can build trust through extending favor. It's the kind of favor that looks out for the other person's interests, not just our own. It is, says Cloud, grace.

"Leaders without grace," he asserts, "set [a] demand and do nothing to help people meet it." Like me, when my kids cried over their math and I said, Just do it.

There's nothing wrong with requiring the do it part. It's the just part we need to reconsider. As leaders, we would do well to drop the just and use these words instead: with, through, by.

My kids now do their math with a tutor. They do it by being with someone who loves math. Through the guidance of a person who has both math-patience and math-passion, they are more than meeting the standard. My Eldest will finish her course almost six months early this year and have time to do Logic and Physics math. My youngest admitted confidentially to the tutor, "I guess I really like math now."

If there's an area in your business or work life where people are "fussing and crying," maybe what they really need is a favor. Maybe you (or I) should just do it.


Chinese Boat photo, by J. Barkat.

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Being Nice is Not Enough

Being Nice is Not Enough

Have you ever met someone who seems to care, who is basically a "nice person," but who doesn't seem to "get you"?

That's how it went with the new president, in a merger situation discussed by Henry Cloud, in his book Integrity. The president was nice. He had good ideas and good intentions, but he didn't "get" people and it eventually cost him his ability to work with the Team.

Here are a few things the president said to various people's questions, in a meeting designed to build trust as the merger began...

"Well, that's not going to be a problem."

"You won't have to worry about that at all."

"That won't get in the way."

"That will work out okay. I think when people get the big picture of what is happening here, they will be happy..."

Essentially, without meaning to, the president invalidated people's experiences. He moved quickly to try to make people feel better, without giving them a chance to really be heard. Says Cloud, "You could feel the air kind of going out of the room." He concludes, "...although [the president] had their attention through his position, he did not have their hearts."

What happens when we don't gain people's hearts?

They become discouraged and unplug. They disconnect, give up, find another place to be heard.

Reading this chapter, I thought of the many times I've said to my kids, "Don't worry about it honey. It's going to be fine." The truth is that everything is not going to be fine if this is how we deal with people's complaints, worries, and hurts. Kids detach. Friends walk away. Employees quit.

Being nice is not enough.

Cloud shares a simple formula for "getting" people (though it may not always be simple in practice! :) ...

They talk >
you experience them >
you share what you've heard and experienced about their experience >
then they experience you as having heard them; they know you are "with" them

None of this may change how you help solve the issue. Or it may totally change how you help solve the issue. Or maybe you'll find that the solution isn't your purview anyway.

The point is connection. And in the end, that's the nicest thing you can do.


Leaf and Branch photo by J Barkat. Used with appreciation. :)

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Why I'm Reading a Book I Didn't Plan to Read (and Talking About it With You)

I walked past my husband's night stand. Usually it is covered with gadgets, receipts, cuff links. I keep moving. Usually.

But a few days ago this book caught my eye: Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality. I wasn't inclined to pick it up. I know what integrity is, don't I? I know when I have it and when I fail to have it. I certainly don't need to read a book that makes me feel guilty about the don't-have times.

Still. I am a sucker for a cool book cover, so I stopped and opened the book.

Since that moment I've been reading it every day. I love it.

It's not like I'm unfamiliar with some of the precepts. It's just the way Henry Cloud talks me through it all. I seem to be able to hear him. It could be the easy tone. The compassionate approach. The clear eye. Or the fact that it's framed in business terms with, surprisingly, a subtle spiritual touch. No matter. Last night I told my husband that I'm actually learning something from this book. Enough that I want to do a series on it.

I hope you'll join me for the next few weeks, and maybe we can learn together. Here's what Cloud promises...

You'll learn about the kind of character that:

1. creates and maintains trust
2. is able to see and face reality
3. works in a way that brings results
4. embraces negative realities and solves them
5. causes growth and increase
6. achieves transcendence and meaning in life

Cloud maintains that these traits "supercede gifts, talents, and ability," allowing the people who have these traits to succeed. People who don't have them often flatline, even though they may have started well.

Are you ready to hear a more nuanced definition of integrity? One that will help you succeed in business, and maybe even at church and home? I am. Let's see where Cloud takes us.


Ripple Photo by L.L. Barkat.